This past weekend at Ali’s SHINE event, I sat on stage as part of Ali’s diamond success panel and couldn’t stop the tears from flowing as I thought about the past year and how happy I was to be sitting there as a symbol of hope for the hundreds of women in the audience.

Only a year ago, I was so confused about my identity.  Mommy blogger?  Lawyer?  TV personality?  Author?  CEO? Something else entirely that I couldn’t even see yet?

Today, I realize my identity is not what matters at all. (Anne McKevitt, Ali’s mentor, would surely disagree.  But, that’s a whole ‘nother long blog post.)

What matters is who and how I serve.

Here are a few more of the big awarenesses I’ve gained over the past year:

• For the first time in ten years, I have discovered that first and foremost, I want to be with my kids a whole lot more.  I realize that in many ways I’ve used my work as a way to escape from the pressures of motherhood. Today, I’m a homeschooling mom and I want to be the one to teach my children how to be in the world.
• Over the past year, I’ve discovered how to relax into my feminine energy much more deeply.  I can finally stop trying to make things happen and allow.
• I’ve learned to say no to myself and others.  My value no longer comes from all of the things I can do.  It comes from saying yes to what I love to do and letting go of everything else.  Even when that’s scarier than heck.
• I’ve learned to set boundaries with an open heart.  At our first diamond meeting in Phoenix last year, I was in the process of closing my law firm after having sold it to a man who ultimately could not fulfill on the commitments he had made.  The diamonds helped me to see that what I was experiencing was a reflection of my lack of clear boundaries.  And that boundaries didn’t have to mean what I thought they did.  I could set boundaries and keep my heart open at the same time.  What a revelation!
• I discovered that often the path to playing big requires me to think a whole lot smaller than I’m used to, at least temporarily.  That’s a whole blog post in itself to explain.
• I’ve learned to stop doing so much.  Looking back at what I was letting go of last year, I did it – I let go of so much:

1. I stopped trying to fit myself into a box;
2. I unfollowed everyone I was following on Twitter and now only follow people I want to connect with regularly;
3. I turned my email inbox over to my amazing assistant Michelle;
4. I no longer spend anytime on facebook looking up old highschool peeps;
5. The lawsuit has been long settled and the law firm itself has been closed for several months.

• And I recognize that I’m still doing too much.

Did I have to invest $100,000 to have these discoveries?  Apparently, I did.

Many people have asked me if the investment was worth it.  Before I answer the question, I’ll ask you.  Especially if you saw me at SHINE this weekend.

Does it seem like it was worth it?

Photo courtesy of Flickr

Smart (at least for  law school purposes) meant an extraordinary capacity to study non-stop and have an intuitive sense for what the professors looked for in exam answers.

More than ten years have gone by and I find myself being forced to completely re-examine the meaning of “smart” within the context of my own children and I have to tell you, it’s painful.

I knew that being “law school smart” l was only one type of smart and that there were lots of other ways to be smart, but I was secretly grateful that I didn’t have to rely on any of those other ways for proof of my smarts.  And yes, I did feel as if I had to prove it, to myself and everyone else.

Now, ten years later, I’m reminded once again that the Universe never lets me get away with anything.  If I don’t work through something and learn to drop the conditioning, it always comes back up.

So here it comes through my kids.  They are not test-taking/law school smart.  I was reading at the age of three.  They were barely talking by two.

My daughter reads now, going into 4th grade, but only because we forced her to learn.  And she doesn’t like it.  I’m holding out hope that she might one day begin to love it.  But, I’m no longer holding my breath.

For the past four years, my daughter has been attending the most prestigious (and expensive) private school in our community.  We decided to apply “just to see” and then couldn’t not send her there after we got in.

I thought we could fit in, but no matter how much I wanted to, it didn’t mean we would.  I could fake it for short amount of times, but the truth was I was faking it and integrity is one of my highest values, so it felt really bad.

I was willing to have my kids be there even though we didn’t fit in if it was a good fit for them educationally.

After my son attended his first year there last year, I knew for certain, it wasn’t.  My daughter was more easily fit into their box, but after going through it with her and contemplating doing it with him, I recognize how much I just don’t want to do it.  I don’t want to tame my son.  Not like they want him to be tamed.

And now I’m faced with re-examining my own beliefs about what’s smart and what’s not.

As we embark on this journey of homeschooling, everything I ever thought about education and learning is being challenged.  It’s bringing up every fear, uncertainty and doubt I’ve ever had about so many things.

I’ve been silently dealing with my demons – alternating between letting it be, trying to control everything, and beating myself up for failing.  Today, I finally had enough.  I can’t answer these questions alone.  And I asked my online communities for help.

Jo (my BFF who is living here with me and homeschooling her kids and mine) asked me to do some reading, inquiry and investigation before I made any decisions about how the kids should be schooled.  She’s been unschooling since the beginning.  Her kids (same age as mine) are more advanced in some areas and less advanced than others than my kids (there’s that comparing thing) yet there’s a part of me that says “unschooling” is okay for her kids because they are inherently “smarter.”  My kids aren’t smart enough.  My kids can’t be trusted the way her kids can.

Where does that come from?

Why do I believe I can’t trust my children to know what they need.  I get it that the conditioned culture tells us we can’t trust, we must control, it’s up to us to know what their needs are better than they do and meet them.  They cannot be trusted to make smart decisions for their well-being.  And the piece of me that still desires to “fit in” to societal norms wants to agree.

But then, there’s this other piece.  The piece that says %*@! all that.

I can trust my children.  They inherently know and if I just give them the chance to re-discover what they know, they’ll remember everything.   While I know that this is the truth in my heart and soul, it scares me to death.

What if I’m wrong? What if they spend all day watching TV and playing video games because I’m too caught up in my own work to guide them properly?  What if they never learn to read, write and do math?  What if they always hate reading? What if … what if … what if … what if I fail in my most important job as their mom?

Thankfully, my spiritual foundation has somewhat prepared me for these what ifs.  I know it’s all perfect.  I know I can’t fail them.  I know I can trust.  But, damn, it’s hard.

I need to redefine everything I ever thought about education. And parenting.  And being smart.  And working hard.  And fitting in.  What a blessing.

<——————   DO THEY MAKE THESE SHIRTS IN SEXY?

The reality of being a homeschooling mom is becoming more clear and I’m scared to death.

I run a (soon to be!) multi-million dollar business from my home.  Can I seriously home school my kids?

Gulp, I think so.  Things seem to be moving in that direction and I just keep saying yes.

Today, one of the administrators from the kids’ fancy private school called.  This is after getting the call from the teacher a couple weeks ago.  The administrator was calling, not as an administrator, but as a friend, which was nice.

She told me how much she and everyone else at school loves my kids.  Wow.  It’s exactly what every parent wants to hear.

And, I’ve left our conversation feeling great about the idea of homeschooling my kids.

I told her I’m thinking about homeschooling and she was not only not appalled, she seemed like she thought it might be a good fit for my kids.  She did warn me to make sure they learn how to interact with other kids, but she did not tell me I’d be making a huge mistake.

Plus, I’ve got a plan that will allow me to do it and still run my company. I’ll tell ya about it after I hear your ideas.

As usual, I’m scared to death and doing it anyway.

If you homeschool your kids and run a business out of your home, share with me how YOU do it!

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Congratulations to Amy Miyamoto (@lotusamy) and Michelle Weston (@michelleany) on winning the scholarship to the Savvy Mompreneur Telesummit.  I am so grateful to be able to support you on your journey to being the next millionaire mom entrepreneurs I hang around with!