My friend and fellow burner Cameron Herold (who is one of the guys I consider “real business dudes who are amazingly cool too”) is writing a book.  He asked me to take a look at a couple of chapters.

Honestly, before I started reading, I was kind of thinking ho-hum, there’s nothing new out there.  I was sort of expecting to be bored.

Two pages in and my awareness was shifted completely.

One minute I’m all “I already know that” (4  most dangerous words in the human language) and the next I can see exactly how my inability to see up until this moment has made leadership so difficult for me.

And that it really doesn’t have to be as hard as I’ve been making it.  For years, I’ve taught that creating life on your terms all starts with knowing what you want and painting the picture of it. Many teachers teach this – think vision boarding and the Secret.

But Cameron has added a whole nother level of practicality for actually doing that based on principles of leadership and real business that blows the lid off completely.

I’ll let you know as soon as Cameron’s ready to share the book so I can tell you more about it.  It’s really good.

Tomorrow, we will pull out of Hermosa Beach and head toward the Rockies with two U-Hauls, 5 adults (including my ex-husband and my boyfriend), 2 kids, a dog, 3 cats, a snake and a turtle.

Thank God I’ve got two years of Burning Man under my belt as practice.

I’m quite surprised about how shaken up I am by this whole move.  Although everyone I talk to says it’s totally normal and I know it is, I’m still surprised.

The move is bringing me the opportunity to confront all the  pieces of myself that I don’t love and adore.  And most importantly, to see them.

There’s so much that we hide from ourselves.  And it all comes up during any period of transition and transformation.

What’s coming up for me now is the awareness that I am deeply motivated by the desire to have a certain community of people around me.

I moved to a Hermosa Beach walkstreet because I wanted to raise my kids in community.  I wanted to live somewhere in which the kids could run back and forth to their friends’ houses without constant adult supervision.  An open door policy in which my neighbor’s kids would become as comfortable with me as my own kids and my kids would look to the neighbors as second parents.

When I first moved to Hermosa, I lived on 17th street, one of the walkstreets where community is facilitated by no cars driving on the street in front of the houses.

There were two families on the street that had been there for more than 50 years.  The adults living there now had all grown up as kids on the street (and in the houses) where they were now raising their own kids.

Over the years, those friends had turned into each other’s  family.

It’s always been what I wanted.  A family by choice.  An extended group of people who become family, are  committed to supporting each other and working together for the benefit of the whole.  Each person contributing his and her highest gifts to the community and relaxing into the awareness that her or she is part of a greater village working toward a common vision.

Raising kids, cooking meals, relaxing, and growing together.  People who share my values.  That I want my kids to be guided by and learning from.

When I really look at why I am moving to Colorado, I’m heading off in search of that village.

My mind begins to wonder why I didn’t create it here and what will be different there.

There are three families on my street, all of whom have kids Kaia and Noah’s age, all of whom go to the private school Kaia and Noah used to go to.

On the surface, the village I’m looking for is right here.

But, we don’t seem to fit with these families.

They are nice enough, but I don’t see them ever feeling like real I’ve got your back no matter what family.  They aren’t people I could practice Radical Honesty with or talk about evolution of the spirit and truth and awareness with.  They seem to like living behind the veil. Or at least, it’s all they know and they seem happy enough to keep it on.

I’m ready to pull off the veil.  And so I’m leaving.

My mind says I’m crazy.  I should make it work here.  If I can’t make it work here, I won’t make it work anywhere.  It’s the same everywhere.  Wherever you go, there you are.  Stick it out.  Push through.

But, then I remember back to being at the big law firm.

I had many of these same thoughts then.  You are crazy to think about leaving.  People would kill for that job. Are you insane?  Make it work.  If you can’t make it work here, you won’t make it work anywhere.  This is just what life is like.  Wherever you go, there you are.  Stick it out.  Push through.

The exact same thoughts.  A pattern.  Conditioning.  Had I listened to them, I’d still be there, unhappy, wondering what’s wrong with me.  But, hanging in.

As soon as I left the big law firm, I found a freedom unlike anything I had ever experienced before.  I didn’t run out of money.  I didn’t die.  Instead, I was free.

That freedom led to where I am today.  I can pick up and move to a completely different State.  I don’t have to worry about finding a new job. I don’t have to worry about taking vacation time to pack and move.  I don’t have to worry that I won’t be able to make a living where I am going.

The only restriction on me today is my mind.  It sometimes still wants to hold me back, keep me safe, convince me that if only I changed, I would find out that what I’m looking for has been here all along.

But, here’s what I know.  Something is pulling me to Colorado.

It’s something as big as the freedom that came through when I left my paycheck and started my own business.  It’s something as big as the freedom that showed up when I left my husband and re-discovered the freedom of being a woman again.

I have a feeling it’s that I will finally find the community I’ve been looking for.  The community that becomes family.  The community that sees me exactly as I am, recognizes me and says yes, you are one of ours.   We’ve been waiting for you.

Image courtesy of Flickr

I’ve never fit in.

I can remember all the way back to Kindergarten wondering why the other little girls didn’t like me?  Why I couldn’t seem to get along with the other kids.

I wanted to.  I just couldn’t seem to figure out the right things to say at the right times.

This awareness that I wasn’t like everyone else followed me throughout my life.  In high school, it was a big problem.  A painful problem.  One I dealt with by turning to the kids who I thought would accept me no matter what – the ones on the corner smoking cigarettes before and after school.   My parents loved that, let me tell you.

In college, it seemed to abate for a while and I even joined a sorority (something I said I would never, ever, ever in a million years do), but of course it was the sorority for the girls who didn’t fit in.  I actually had the chance to join the popular pretty girl sorority, but made the choice to go where I’d feel more comfortable.

In law school, I dealt with not fitting in by studying constantly. That was good because it resulted in me graduating first in my class, which opened up every possible door for me for the rest of my life.  And then I went to the big law firm, where once again I didn’t fit in.

I was a 26-year old wife and mom.  It was one of the loneliest times of my life.  I remember sitting on the beach with my baby looking longingly at the other moms with their babies hanging out together.  I didn’t have any friends with babies. I couldn’t figure out how to make friends with the other moms.

Eventually, I figured it out.  I’m different than most people.  I’ve finally stopped asking why and accepted it.  I stopped only wanting to be friends with people who don’t want to be friends with me (the “in” crowd) and started appreciating the people who seem to be attracted to me (“misfits”).

And once I figured that all out, I began to have this desire for fame on a big level.  Because I wanted to make a difference (or so I thought).

So I began to make myself into someone who could appear on TV.  It turns out, I’m one of those people who actually looks better on TV than in real life, so this was not so difficult for me to do.

I did quite a bit of television in a relatively short period of time.  Then, I started to pitch television shows to the networks and got really close to having one picked up by the new Oprah Winfrey Network.  That was really exciting.  Until it didn’t happen.

Then I began thinking about a reality show.  (And let me tell you, it would have been a good one with all the craziness that has happened here at my house over the last 18 months.)

Fortunately, before I could ruin my life by letting cameras follow me around all the time, I became aware that the whole pursuit of fame was feeding something not particularly healthy in me.  I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but I knew it didn’t feel good.

It started to become clear when I did all of the Michael Jackson coverage.  I began to see I wasn’t really making a difference in the world and helping people with the media I was doing.  I was spreading rumors and gossip.  Sure, it was public and not behind anyone’s back, but was it really any less insidious?

I put it out of my mind because I liked getting all dressed up and putting on makeup and getting picked up by a car service and feeling special.  So I kept doing it.

A couple of weeks ago though, I was on Nancy Grace talking about Tiger Woods and it was the last straw.  I cannot do it anymore.

I took 2.5 hours out of my day to get my hair done, get driven down to CNN on Sunset and get my makeup done and then sit in a chair for an hour watching Nancy run the same clip of one of Tiger’s girlfriends saying she was sorry if she hurt anyone over and over and over again at each break.   I was on for less than 2 minutes with half of that time Nancy asking me inane questions I  like “When did he [Tiger Woods] have time to be with all those women with two children?”

How was this a good use of my time?

I searched for anything I could hang my hat on that would indicate my appearance on the show made a shred of positive impact in the world.  No matter how hard I looked, I couldn’t find anything.  And I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t really there to make a difference in the world, I was there to be noticed, recognized, and fit in.  Just like the article said.

I refuse to allow my life to be run by that anymore.

So I’m taking a stand.  For now on, I will not do any television unless I’m totally clear that I’m doing it because it will help to lift viewers to a new level of awareness.  I will not contribute to the inane dialogue, gossip and drama that is being perpetuated with most of today’s television programming.

Part of the reason I think I’m moving to Colorado is so I won’t be tempted.  Because believe me, every fiber of my being is screaming out that I’m making a mistake, that I’m meant to be on TV.

I do believe I’ve been given a gift of looking great on camera, being able to convey a message quickly, and think on my feet.  And I do not want to waste or deny that gift.  But, it will need to be utilized in some way that does not make me feel dirty afterward and that is driven by my highest level desires to make a real difference in the world and raise people to a new level of awareness.

So bye-bye Nancy Grace.  Please don’t call again.  I’m not available.

Photo courtesy of AP

Within recent months, it has all started to become more clear than ever before.

I recently began working with Tim Kelley, author of the book “True Purpose”. What’s interesting is I thought I had already found my life purpose and was doing it.

And yet, I felt drawn to Tim’s work.  What I now see is that his work is taking me to another, much deeper level of my purpose.

I can now see that every single thing that has ever happened in my life, both those things I deemed to be “good” and those things I deemed to be “bad”, all happened to prepare me to fulfill my purpose as I now understand it in this moment.

Suddenly, it all makes sense.

There was a part of me that always knew this day was coming and I would occasionally catch enough of a glimpse of the future to know it was possible that one day I would really and truly get how everything fit together.

I’m grateful that it’s finally here.

Years of frustration, wonder, worry, uncertainty and fear have evaporated.  There are still threads left, but 90% of the concern has disappeared from my awareness.

Ok, so now I’m going to tell you what I now understand to be my purpose, even though I feel slightly embarrassed when I write it out like this.

I am here to shine the light into the dark corners of your business and your life with absolute and total love, acceptance and support.

I make the hard things easier.

Specifically, at this moment in time, I am focusing this purpose around business by helping people take a look at the things we all avoid because they are hard – the difficult conversations, the business of your business, the financials, the legal stuff, the employee stuff, the partnership stuff, the pending business break-up.

You know, the hard parts of being a business owner.  The stuff I can’t stand either.  Office politics, drama, conflict.  Ick.

I take the ick out and help you to discover how whatever is happening in your business is your greatest opportunity for growth.

You really want to be a conscious business owner?  For real?

Then, you’ve got to open your eyes, wake up to the truth.  Shine the light into the darkness.  The part you’ve been avoiding because it’s too hard, painful, difficult, embarrassing, shameful, guilt-ful, to look at.

When you are willing to open your eyes and shine the light into the dark corners, you will naturally run your business from a more expanded and enlightened perspective.

It’s hard to be enlightened and aware with your eyes closed and the lights off, right?

Decisions become much easier. You no longer worry about getting taken advantage of or what’s real and what’s not.  When you can see, you know.

Boundaries are easily established and conflicts are handled with an open heart.

Wow, it feels great to finally get all this.  These, of course, are my personal greatest life lessons so far.

6 years ago, I was attending a workshop held by one of my early coaches.  Scott had brought in a purpose expert named Kevin M McCarthy, author of the On Purpose Person.  And he walked us through a process to help us discover our own purpose.

What came through to me back then made no sense in the context of my life at the time.  I had just started my own law firm.  I was committed to being a lawyer.  Helping my clients.  Making a difference in their lives.

But, when I did Kevin’s process, I discovered my purpose was to “Shine the Light?!?”  Huh?

WTF?

I was a lawyer.  I didn’t know how to shine no stinkin’ light.  What was I supposed to do with that?  Shine the light?!? Um, ok.

But, there was a part of me that knew that was it and one day I’d figure out what it meant.

For the past 6 years, I’ve continued to put one foot in front of the other, learning how to move with my energy and get out of my own way.  It’s been a learning process for sure.  But, each step fo the way I trusted that if I just kept asking the right questions and moving forward, I’d one day get it.

And now I do.

Are you ready to know it too?  I know you are.  And you know you want it.

To begin, start to ask yourself what you’ve been avoiding.  What are the conversations you’ve had in your head, but you have held back from having with the person they really need to be with?  What are the things you know you need to do in your business, but haven’t done because they seem too hard?

Make a list of those things.  Bring them to awareness.  That’s all you have to do now.  It’s the first step and in some ways the most difficult.

That’s really how I’m seeing this blog.  It’s where I give myself the attention I need.  Attention to explore the crazy experiences that are coming along through the process of waking up.

Yes, waking up.  That’s what’s happening here.

I haven’t talked about it publicly that way because it sounds so freakin’ presumptuous.  But, it’s true.  That’s what’s happening.

Or maybe it’s not true.  The crazy thing about this entire experience is that feeling of sometimes having no idea what’s real and what’s not real.  Or maybe I should say recognizing that nothing is real and everything is real.

See, what I’m discovering about waking up is that the truth is always both.  It’s everything.  It’s all of it.  And none of it.

Just tonight, I heard myself talking about how I was done tolerating certain things.  And that it felt really good to know now what I’m willing to tolerate and what I’m not willing to tolerate.

As I heard myself saying that I became aware of the part of myself that is infinitely tolerant.  And a little argument started up in my head.

Listen to you talking about what you will and won’t tolerate.  I just heard you say how happy you are that you are becoming less tolerant.  That’s not right.  You don’t want to be less tolerant.  You want to be tolerant.  What’s wrong with you?

As I observed the conversation, I recognized that yes I do want to be tolerant.  And, I want to have clearly defined limits on what I will tolerate.  Both/And.

I’ve never before given myself the attention I need to explore what those limits to my own tolerance are.  I’ve always worked to become tolerant of everything because I thought that would make me a good person or that was the “right” thing to do.

Today, I am aware of the falsity of that notion.

Becoming clear about what I will and will not tolerate (which is the same as establishing healthy boundaries) is an act of self-awareness, self-acceptance and love.  And when I am self aware, in total self-acceptance, and loving to myself that love will overflow to those around me.

When I am striving to tolerate everything and not giving myself room to be intolerant of certain things, I am denying something within me, I am striving, I am not in acceptance and therefore not feeling the love – for myself.  And therefore, not spreading it.

So there you have it.  I am intolerant.  And I’m a better person for it.  Lovingly intolerant.

Oh, as for the title of this post – that’s something I’m hearing a lot of lately.  “Wait, stop the train!  I want to get off.” comes a voice from inside.  Things are changing and shifting so rapidly that I can hardly keep up with myself.

If all goes well with my new landlords, I am moving to Colorado in a month.  Moving. In. A. Month.

I cannot explain on a logical level why I want to move.  My life here is incredibly great.  I live in my dream home.  It’s 15 minutes from the airport.  Driving distance to many friends from Ojai to the North to San Diego to the South.  And my sister is here.  I have a view of the ocean.  And a workout regime, I absolutely love that I’m willing to do 2-3 times per week.

And yet, my soul is telling me to move to Colorado.  Where it’s cold.  Very cold.

But, it looks like we’re going.  And the beat goes on.