The Whole Truth

Oct 22

2012

I’m back, bitches.

by Alexis Neely - Posted in Pursuit of Truth, Road to Freedom, Truth, Waking Up |

I stopped writing here for a while. Hid this personal blog away behind my media site so no one could find it.  Went into hiding. Blamed it on my bankruptcy.  Told myself I couldn’t write about what was really happening as it was happening because … well, there were a million reasons.  All lies.  To keep me safe.

But, I’m not here to live a life of safe.

I’m here to share it all, as it’s happening. I have a lot of things I can do well in the world, but I’m beginning to get the sense that my one true gift that I can do better than just about anyone is my willingness to be truly, totally, sometimes brutally, transparent.

So, I’ll tell you.  I’ve been depressed, scared, freaking the fuck out.

My financial situation is the worst it’s ever been. Maybe even worse than in law school because at least then I only had me to take care of.  Now there is so much more. Kids, payrolls, ex-husbands.

All of this was “easy” to handle when I was making millions in my businesses, but it simply wasn’t sustainable the way I was doing it.  And the truth is, it wasn’t so easy to handle even when I was making millions either.  I was scared then too.  Scared to death of losing it. So scared that I became trapped by it.

So scared that I knew the only choice was to let go of it all and see what was on the other side of that fear.  God, am I glad I did!

And I have.

So now it’s time to rebuild on a new foundation.  I’m in it. Rebuilding.  A fresh start.  A clear purpose and mission.

It gets hardest when I forget that I made these choices consciously.  There have been moments over the past few months when I have felt quite the victim.  When I have forgotten that I am a scientist investigating sustainable living in the new economy, I start to freak out that I am hopeless, helpless, and slip into taking on the belief that I am bad, part of the 47% that Romney says are not worthy of his attention.

But then I wake up and I remember.  I don’t want to be the 53%.  Not when it looks like this.

I am not here to live a life of mediocrity, a cog in a machine designed to serve the few, working my ass off in an unpurposeful, misaligned job to make enough money to pay my mortgage so I can send my kids to college, retire and die.

This life will not go unlived.  I will leverage all of the resources available to me (even government handouts when that’s necessary) so I can live my life purpose, have deep, meaningful, connected relationships with those around me, and allow my children to see what really matters.

I gave up my Mercedes, my 5300 square foot house in a cul-de-sac community where I spent most of my time in my 150 sq foot office, isolated and working, and my million dollar businesses so I could discover what I really want, beyond all conditioning. As Craig always says, “don’t die wondering.”  So, I’m not.

Today, I live in a 3 bedroom condo with two roommates, my kids, and my partner (when he’s in town).  While I would love for us to have a bigger house, no downstairs neighbors, and some land to grow food, this is a great way-station and definite confirmation that living, working and loving in community is what’s necessary for our future.  I love it here.

Yep, my bankruptcy is a government handout of sorts; my own personal bailout that I guess puts me in the 47%, and in my moments of awake, I’m okay with that because, from this place, I have the total freedom to choose what I do with my life.

I have true community, a transformational, evolutionary partnership with a man I feel so lucky to know, relationship with my children, the space to drop the conditioning that has kept me  locked into false beliefs and I am slowly, but surely finding the time to write and being willing to write whatever I want.

When I get caught up in what I don’t currently have or what I gave up (fame, fortune, fancy car, big house, travel to exotic countries), I have to remind myself why I did it, that it’s likely temporary and what really matters.

Sometimes, this much freedom is scary.  (At some point, I’ll have to tell you about the medicine journey I had in Peru where I decided I could not handle so much freedom.)  But, fuckin’ -A, my friends, it’s worth it.

What say you?  Don’t leave me hanging. I write this blog because I want to interact with you. So I want to hear it. Even if you disagree with me and think I’m crazy. Bring it. Oh, and tell a friend. xoxo