Jan 31

2010

What Do You Do When You Are Unhappy?

by Alexis Martin Neely - Posted in Pursuit of Truth |

Somehow, it seems as if we’ve all gotten this idea that if we are not satisfied, we can’t complain.  If we complain, then we are complainers and that is bad.  So, instead, we should hold in our complaints.  Think them, fine.  But, don’t say them.

For the longest time, I apologized for my high standards.  Still do sometimes.

But lately, I’m coming to terms with those standards, accepting and embracing them.  I have high standards.  I am high maintenance.  I value excellence in myself and others.

I appreciate these things about myself. (Well, that’s not entirely true yet, but the more I accept what I feel and communicate it, the more I will appreciate these things.)

And for now on when I enter into a relationship with someone and that relationship does not meet my needs, I will not feel guilty for having my high standards.  I will step into my power.

I will not stay quiet out of fear that I will look bad if I complain.

I will directly and without guilt communicate my dissatisfaction.  I will make this communication without emotion and allow the tension I feel in my shoulders and in my thighs to be as they are.  I will not try to make them go away by ignoring them.  I will feel those feelings in my body and communicate  from my heart.

And when I don’t do these things I say I will do, at least I will be aware of that.  And notice.

I just did this for the first time with someone working with me who is simply not living up to my standards.  In the past, I would hold my tongue and re-do their work after it was done by them.

I’m not willing to tolerate that anymore.  And yet there is this part of me that is scared to death.  It says “your standards are too high! no one is ever going to be able to do what you want them to do.  you’ll never be happy Alexis! be happy with what you’ve got.”

Just the other day, a woman inspired by my LIFT Manifesto wrote to me about a coach she paid a high 5-figure coaching fee to who led her completely astray and gave her what I consider some pretty bad advice (he allegedly told her to drop her coaching biz, pursue artistry and stand on a street corner to sell her art). In her letter she described that she was scared to death to ask for her money back from this coach even though she felt as if he damaged her business and her life with his advice.

In fact, she wasn’t only afraid to ask for her money back; she was afraid to tell him she was not satisfied with their coaching relationship.  She was worried about how it would make her look.

You know what? I’ve been there.  More than once, I’m afraid.

But not anymore.  I’m no longer going to be stopped by fear to say what I feel.  I’m going to feel the fear and do it anyway.

What about you?  What do you do when you want to complain?  Do you hold it in?  Face it directly?  Talk about it with your friends?  I’d love to hear.


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  • I do this a lot too and am also trying to break the habit. We don't want to be negative and complain, so we say nothing... I think this is particularly common with women, as other people have mentioned.

    You are absolutely right, you are entitled to the standards you want to see and to expect things to be done how you need them.

    On the other hand, the people who work with you also have the right to choose whether or not it also aligns with their own work. It's tough to remember that people have their own choices, so by holding things back, your taking away that choice for them because they aren't really aware of what's going on with you.

    So, they may step up to do work within your standards or they may not, but that's up to them (as long as they are honest too and not inwardly grumbling, lol.

    As far as complaining, my poor hubby gets a large load of it. He always says to me, "Don't tell me, tell them!!".
  • Oh boy. Since I started working from home, my poor hubby has been my sounding board. Except when I'm unhappy with him, that is!

    You are so right. It can be difficult for us to complain and rant about stuff sometimes. I think it's because we think it's wrong to have negative feelings. However, these feelings are just as valid as positive feelings, and need to be acknowledged.

    I'm not likely to complain about small things, but when it's about something I think is important enough, then I muster the courage to speak up. It definitely isn't easy and I find that I have to write a script in my head before I take the plunge.
  • You're absolutely right - we need to be speaking up more. I think that we would all be happier being able to speak out our frustrations and open up space for dialogue between each of us. That can create change in ourselves AND the person we need to share our thoughts with.
  • Courtney Martin
    I find this is often times especially prevalent in women (outside of their significant others, at least!). Women especially have been conditioned to not come across as "bitchy." As a professional, I too struggle with this, especially in regard to my employees. I have some tough conversations coming up, however, and am going to use these words to strengthen my resolve.
  • Excellent
  • Thank you for this. I really needed it, exactly right now.
  • hackmanj
    Sounds like a great break through for you, this is great information to share with others. I recently had an experience with a plumbing company that after speaking with several other plumbers I went back to and asked for my money back. The owner of the company got nasty with me on the phone so I wrote a bad review for them at Yelp. At some point we say enough is enough. In this case I didn't feel it justified my time to pursue it further so I let the Yelp review be my voice.
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